The Hunt Continues

I've lost track of how many houses we've looked at so far. Matt and I didn't realize how picky we were until we started actually looking at houses in person. Last night we looked at an old Victorian which has the most potential out of any of the houses we've looked at so far. We were willing to accept that the yard's not that big, and that the neighborhood is kind of on the edge of being sketchy. But then we went into the basement, and the electrical is a 30 amp fusebox, the main support beam of the house is notched and has no posts going from the ceiling to the floor, and we noticed that in the crawl space under the kitchen you can see daylight through the cracks in the foundation. Any of those things on their own isn't that bad, but then you add in that the windows need replacing, we're fairly positive that the trim all has lead paint (it's such an old house, we'd be shocked if it didn't) and the only bathroom is on the second floor with the bedrooms. I've been renovating the house in my head ever since we left - jacking up the support beam, installing new electrical and new windows, turning the hall closet into a half bath. But then when it's done, it's still a house with a kind of small yard in an on-the-edge neighborhood. So those investments aren't going to have as much return as they could in a house in a different location.

So we keep looking.

And I am distracted right now by the stuff going on with my dad. I honestly don't know what to do and how to help my sister and my mom. I don't think that it would be right to post all the details of what's going on in this blog; let's just say that there was an incident last weekend, there was another this past weekend, and the way things have happened is seems like the downward spiral is accelerating. This weekend just crystalized how much the alcoholism has taken over and replaced the man I grew up with, whom I love and respect so much. I called on Father's day and the conversation was terrible. The person I talked to was someone else entirely, callous and indifferent and after I hung up the phone, I told Matt that any glimmer of my dad seems to be gone. I am grateful for Matt and his support and perspective, because my first response is to go in there and fix it for my sister and my mom. And I know I can't, but my mind keeps telling me that if I don't try, then I'm being a bad sister/daughter. It's also hard not to become bitter and judgemental toward them, to blame them for enabling and tolerating dad's drinking. Matt has been gently reminding me that they are feeling trapped and they are doing the best that they can.

My prayer this week is for both courage and for peace. Whenever this stuff happens, I am filled with anxiety and the "noise level" in my head just gets jacked. So I am praying that God will give me the courage to do what is good and right and that He will let me carry His peace into my family. I have no idea how to do that, but I trust that He will show me how, if He desires it. And even if He doesn't want me to be His instrument in this, I know He will give me peace and help me to trust that He is using all of these things to bring about our salvation.