Bunkered Down

Yeah, the past two weeks I've been silent. I know. I've been reluctant to post because things lately have been... Difficult.

It was last week that the problems started. First, I need to explain that my mom has been preparing for surgery. She has thyroid cancer, and so needed to have them remove her thyroid and some of the attatched nodules. Now, as her doctor said, "no one dies from thyroid cancer." They remove the cancer, they run a test about a month later to check if it's spread anywhere else, and usually the test itself (which uses radioactive iodine dye) is enough to kill any small cancerous cells. Then from then on, she'll need to take medication for hypothyroid the rest of her life. She has been taking something for hyperthyroid and she says that that is actually a relief because there is only one med for hyperthyroid, and the side effects are pretty discomforting. For hypothyroid, there are several options, so she'll be able to try a few and see which out best for her.

But there are risks to any surgery and the recovery will be grueling, so we've been worried about her, and we've been worried about Dad as well. I have been trying to be there for him, calling to see how he's doing and letting him know that I'm there if he's struggling. I know my brother has, too.

Still, last Saturday, I got a call from Joe. "Hey," he said to me, "ahhhh.... I'm calling to tell you, Dad got picked up again."

Dammit. He was picked up while he was "out running errands." Joe went to get him out, and he was home by the time Joe called me. I was right in the middle of getting things ready for a dinner I had invited them to, and other people were coming over as well. I was looking forward to it, all bubbly and excited. Suddenly I was numb, deflated. "I don't even know how I feel," I told Joe. "I don't know if I'm angry or sad..."

"yeah, I know," he said.

Since then, I have been processing, trying to figure it out. I didn't know what to write, and I didn't want to write anything else until I'd processed this. Since then, Mom's had her surgery and came through it well. I haven't spoken to my dad since then, and I am a coward because I haven't gone to see my mother because I haven't wanted to see him.

I know I shouldn't put it off, but I don't know where to begin. I have been mulling it over this whole time and I can't figure it out. I don't want to be like my sister, Julie, who has said that she is done. I don't want to just accept it, but I also know I can't control it.

So I pray. And I'll try to get back to a regular posting schedule.