I had a dream last night about my sister-in-law. In the dream, she was at our house, but our house was much larger and had tons of cabinets, still full of the previous owners dishes and food and holiday decorations. Rooms upon rooms of them, each cabinet with the same things over and over again. We were going through them, and trying to figure out what to do with all of it. I remember thinking "I had no idea I had this many cabinets in this house!" And as I went along, I would find Joanne in a room or sitting on the lawn or on the back porch and I would start talking to her. I was trying to convince her to get back together with my brother, and she was listening to everything I was saying, but then I would turn around for a minute and she would be gone. Then I would walk around a little bit and find her sitting somewhere else. We would resume the conversation and then someone would distract me again and again she would be gone. It was so frustrating and upsetting, and at the same time I felt like I was badgering her and she was just letting me talk because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. And then the alarm went off and I woke up.
In real life, I haven't spoken to Joanne since Christmas. And in real life, some things have happened which have made Joe and Joanne's pending divorce weigh heavily on my mind (obviously). I am debating about what to write here, but I did say I would share a little more, so... Joanne told Joe that she wants to move pretty far away, and then she sent me, my sisters, my mom and my aunt an email telling us that she has met someone new, and she wanted to tell us herself rather than letting us find out through the grapevine or facebook. I've also learned a few other things which kind of shed some light on weird things that have happened in the past 2 years (yeah, that's the limit on the sharing. It does no good to explain those things here).
Since they've been separated for over a year now, I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised that Joanne's wanting to move on. But ever since they've been having trouble, I have been praying and hoping that their marriage could be healed. And I'm not the only one. I know my parents and even my older sister who never prays have been praying for it. And Matt's family also have been praying for them. With all those prayers, it's hard for me to accept that they really are determined to go their separate ways.
I know that no one can really know what goes on inside a marriage. My brother and Joanne both are imperfect people, I get that. But I keep remembering their wedding day, and the way they were together up until just a few short years ago, and that feeling that their marriage was right. Not that it was good all the time, but it was right. Things were in their right order and so many good fruits came out of what it was, because of the way they were with each other and to others when they were together. Now it is not right, and I've been hoping that it would be right again someday soon.
It's not hard to interpret my dream. Those cabinets, in my house but full of someone else's things... I can't figure out what to do with them or where to begin. There is of course a part of me that wants to know what happened, wants to examine everything so I can know, so that the same thing won't happen to Matt and me. But there is too much, and some things make no sense because they are out of context, or because they were so long ago. And talking to Joanne... I haven't actually had a real conversation about the separation with Joanne, so I'm doing it in my dream, and it does no good. I can tell her how much I want them back again, I want them whole again. I can tell her I know that there is grace to make it happen. But she won't say anything back. She'll listen and nod her head, and then some point, I will get distracted. And she will be gone.
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