Today's my late night shift, which means I don't have to be in until 12:30. So I'm sitting in the kitchen writing this while my oatmeal simmers on the stove. Since I didn't have to get up and get ready for work, I stayed in bed with Matt until he needed to get up. That may seem like not a big deal, but for a morning person who likes to get up and get things done, it's not an easy thing to do. I get antsy and impatient, as if I'm waiting in a long, slow moving line. After an hour of laying there trying not to move around too much I picked up my phone and read some of my favorite websites until he finally woke up. Once he was up, it was coffee and getting the trash out before the garbage men came, and making plans for dinner since both of us probably won't be home before 9:30 tonight.
Um, if you're a robber planning on coming when we're not home, please erase that last sentence from your brain.
Matt's been working 12 hour days all week long (including Saturday), because the Xbox changeover needs to be finished in the next two weeks and he had originally thought he wasn't allowed to have overtime for that project. Turns out, he is, so now its "do as many stores as possible each day." It's also no husband around until after 9 every night, which can be a good thing because I am more motivated to get practical things done when he isn't home, but it's usually a bad thing because he's not home to hang out with and talk to. I'm glad this is only for two weeks.
Since I've had time to get things done, posting on this blog has become a more pressing obligation of sorts. In the past 8 weeks or so, I've been reluctant to post. It was hard to put into words what I was going through, and then once I had, it was maybe something I didn't want to put into words. Because I had thought that I was recovering from the miscarriage, and I had been given the green light by my doctor to try again. So with the next cycle we did, only to get my period.
I was devastated. I was so angry, depressed and hopeless, as bad as it was immediately after the miscarriage, and I couldn't find a way out of those emotions. I was snappy and touchy, and it seemed like everything I said just came out wrong wrong wrong. I would say something and it would seem to be deliberately hurtful and stupid, and I couldn't explain why these things were coming out of my mouth, and I would be mortified but unable to take it back or amend it. And in my head I was thinking "Who is this person???" Matt got the brunt of this, but coworkers, friends, and family weren't spared, until it finally came to a head one night two weeks later and I picked a fight with Matt over literally nothing at all. Poor Matt was at a complete loss as too why I was so angry, and getting angry too, and then when everything had reached it's absolute boiling point I crumbled into tears and begged him not to be angry with me. Praise God for this man, because he instantly hugged me and held me while I sobbed and tried to talk about how I'd been feeling ever since I had gotten my period.
I know the reason I was so angry was because I was supposed to be pregnant. While the logical side of me knew that one cycle doesn't spell out infertility and we could try again next month, the illogical and insecure side of me was constantly telling me that I would never get pregnant again, and that this was just the first of an eternity of disappointing cycles. And I know that we got pregnant easily with Samantha, but I was so afraid that that was it, the only chance we'd had. I felt like a failure, and like I'd disappointed everyone again.
That was the worst night. Things have gotten better since then. But it was still just too hard to post anything and I didn't want to post pictures of all the fun times we've had in the past two months as if none of this stuff has been going on as well. At the beginning of this year I had promised to be more open and more real, because this is the journal of our married life. Sometimes it may take me a while to work up to it, but I am still committed to posting all of this stuff.
So, happier posts are coming. And my oatmeal is done.
