Talitha Cumi

This song was written and performed by my friend Martin Doman and his sister Alicia Hernon. I sang it once with Alicia at the Boston Catholic Women's conference, and it's been on my mind over the past few days.

Matt and I went to adoration last night, and I spent the hour reading sections of the Imitation of Mary. Earlier in the day, I read the first reading of the day to Matt, which was from 1 Peter 1:3-9. The line I struggled with was "In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." I had told Matt that I couldn't understand who or why it was being proven; God knows that I love Him and believe in Him, He above all knows my heart and doesn't need to have it proven to know my faith. So if not for God, than for who? Or for what? Couldn't a miracle where the baby was not dead have served to glorify Him even more than this? I was searching for the whole point and I couldn't find it in reading the scripture or meditating on it.

So when we got to Adoration, I picked up the Imitation of Mary instead of the Bible, which is what I usually read in scripture. I skipped ahead to the sections on suffering and loss and God's inscrutable will. I didn't have a notebook with me to jot things down, but the main points which hit me was that love does not put limits on its proofs. That God might have eased the suffering of Mary through any number of miracles (for example, the flight into Egypt; He might have done so many things to stop to masacre of the innocents, and protect the Holy Family, but instead he allowed them to be persecuted and to have to flee to a place where they had nothing and no family). And above all, the crosses God calls us to bear which seem the hardest are the most important, because they are the ones which most show us his plan for us to be truly sanctified and holy. The words of Mary (well, of Mary through the writer. I'm not sure how they actually were handed down) say that if we feel these burdens are too overwhelming, that is when we should most rejoice for in them we know that God is calling us to a great, even supernatural, holiness.

None of these things are answers. It's not like reading these things allowed me to walk out of adoration and be at peace and compliant to the will of God. I still find myself saying "but why?" instead of "thy will be done" a thousand times a day. But these things do point me in a direction to head, where I might find a way to thank God for this and where I might be glad that this was how He planned things to be.

1000 questions

I don't know how to begin this. I am so incredibly sad right now, and I don't know how to put all my thoughts in order, but I will try.

Friday we went for the ultrasound. After a few minutes of the sonographer doing some checking and not saying much, I knew something was wrong. I knew it was wrong when she was pointing out the sack, because at 11 weeks the yolk sack should have been gone. And I knew it was wrong by what she didn't say, how she didn't point out the baby, or the heartbeat. That she just wanted to take a few more measurements and then we'd be done. That she didn't ask if we wanted pictures. She did ask us to stay while she called our doctor, who delivered the news that the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks and 2 days. He ordered a blood test to check my HCG levels and we went home to wait for his call. It came at 4:30, and he said that my levels had dropped by more than half. Which made him feel confident that we are miscarrying.

Matt and I are both so sad. I've spent a lot of time crying, and he's spent a lot of time holding me and telling me he loves me. Even though I know its not anything I've done and its not my fault, I feel like such a failure, and I keep wanting to apologize to him. I seem to have lost the ability to make decisions, and so he's been doing that for the both of us. Mainly we are trying to keep busy, because otherwise waiting around for it to start will drive me crazy.

Telling people is exhausting. Mainly their responses fall into two categories. This first are the people who want so badly to do something, and there is nothing to do, and I don't know what to say. The second are the people who share that they, or their wives or sisters or mother had 2 or 3 miscarriages. I know that they share because they know the pain and grief from it, and they are empathizing with what we're going through, but the self-centeredness of me is too weak to think anything other than that the thought of going through this more than one time is horrifying. But I know that more than anything people want to comfort us and be there with us, and that does help.

The only different response has been Matt's brother, Joe. Joe is such an amazing prayer warrier, and he told Matt that he had had a vision before this happened of Mother Mary accompanied by two angels carrying our daughter to heaven. We decided to name her based on Joe's vision, and struggle for a while. The name we'd chosen before for a daughter, Sophia Rose, suddenly didn't fit. And actually naming her at all was hard because it made her all that much more real. We were in the car discussing it, and I thought of the story of Hannah, who had prayed for a child for so long and so hard that the temple priests had thought she was drunk. And when she had the baby, Samuel, she brought him back and gave him to the temple to serve God there. So we decided on Samantha, because we know she is now in God's temple, serving Him and intercessing for us.

Last night was the Pentacost vigil, and even though I first thought it would be impossible to do it, I also knew that Matt was right that this was the best place to be. So I went, and it was good to be there. I know that the Spirit of God was sustaining me through it, and I also know that it was through the prayers of all the people in the several music groups who had come together to do the music ministry, and who knew what we are going through and were praying us through it. After the mass, we went out to dinner with my parents, Hip and Carly, Nate and Kathy, Sarah-Jane, Nick and Danielle. It was good to be with people and be distracted.

Tonight is the final night of Lifeteen, and Matt and I are in charge of it, so we will at least have something to keep us occupied through the weekend. It will be hard to tell this kids, but this is the last "group" that we have to tell, so it will be good to get past that.

I am not avoiding grief. I promise. But I also need to know that we have our lives past this, and that we will continue and survive and be okay. And even though the questions we have about this will probably never be answered, and we'll never know why God allowed this to happen, we know he is with us, and carrying us through. Thomas Aquinas said "a thousand questions do not add up to a single doubt." I am beginning to understand what that means.

Here comes the weekend from heck

Not Really. I mean, it's the feast of Pentacost, and the last Lifeteen for the year, so it really is a blessed weekend. But it's also a very very busy weekend full of a lot of hard work, and this week I have been so very tired from the pregnancy, so I'm not looking forward to it.

Tonight we have Joe over for dinner and a movie to celebrate his birthday. I made ribs and mashed potatoes, and Matt picked up eclairs and ice cream. For the record, I don't think I will ever again buy the pre-cooked, pre-barbeque sauced baby back ribs again. I bought them for the convenience factor, but even though Matt and Joe thought they were great, I know I can make better ribs than than. These were not as tender or as spicy as I would have made them.

Last night we had date night, which consisted of meeting him for dinner at Uno's and then browsing at Babies R Us because we have a few 20% off coupons. But once we started looking around we both realized that we were well out of our depth when it comes to deciding what we "need" and what we should buy now, vs waiting until we get closer. We wound up leaving with a few ideas, a few adorable items of clothing for Illeana, and a firm resolution to do more research on this stuff before our next shopping trip.

Today I had my first official prenatal appoinment with Dr. Claussen. He tried to find a fetal heartbeat, but since I have a tilted uterus, it seems my pelvic bone was getting in the way of the doppler, so no heartbeat. He is scheduling me for an ultrasound either tomorrow or Friday, so "watch this space" for ultrasound pictures in the next few days or so.

My new favorite salad

Tonight for dinner, I had promised to make Matt buffalo wings. It was sort of a consolation prize because we went to get new phones today, and only one of us walked out of the store with a new phone. See, we hadn't realized that the data plan would be $30 per phone when we had thought we would get phones with email and such. And Matt was not actually planning on using the internet on the phone, he had only wanted email, so...

(Confession: I got the new HTC Incredible Droid, and I freakin love this phone. I have been playing with it all night)

So buffalo wings for dinner. Also, when we got home he spent 2 hours helping me rototill the side garden, plant vegetables, and construct a fence to keep the critters away. But there weren't actually very many chicken wings left in the bag in the freezer, so I wound up deciding to grill the kielbasa which we had in the fridge and make a salad to go with. And that's where the magic happened.

Baby arugula, red pepper strips, shaved pecorino, glazed pecans, balsamic, olive oil, and salt and pepper. All tossed in a bowl and devoured. The arugula had a more delicate bite than the peppery mature version, and the sweetness of the pecan glaze against the rich and tangy vinegar and the salty cheese. Oh MAN.

I need to buy more of those pecans tomorrow.

Good Morning

I woke up this morning at 6:30 am. This was of course ridiculous, especially because we had gone to bed last night (or actually, this morning) at 1 am after having Allison, Kim, and Aaron over to feast on a Thai dinner and watch Julie & Julia. They each brought a portion of the meal, and we prepared it together while catching up and enjoying each other's company. Kim and Aaron brought spring rolls, coconut rice, and golden purses. Allison brough a green papaya (well, actually Jicama since there was no green papaya to be found) salad, croissant bread pudding and a coconut-key lime custard. I added Pad Thai, Chicken Satay, and Peanut Sauce to the menu. We used my fancy dishes and sat around the table well after the meal was over, talking and telling stories. So we didn't even start the movie until 10pm. For the record, I haven't seen The Blindside, but I am now convinced that Meryl Streep was robbed. She was absolutely amazing.

I was sure I would sleep until at least 8 this morning, especially since I've been so tired lately with the pregnancy. But 6:30 this morning I opened my eyes and was fully awake. Ridiculous. I got up, had breakfast, and read the first few entries of the Julie/Julia Project because I wanted to know why Julia Child hadn't liked the blog, but I wasn't able to figure it out from what I've read so far.

So I was awake when I heard the woodpecker outside. We've been hearing him in the early morning for a week now, ratatatatatattatatatatatatata and it's been so loud and the quality of the sound made it seem like he might have been actually tapping on the aluminum siding on our house. When I heard him, I looked around outside and found him perched on the guardrail, tapping on the wooden post. The metal guardrail sure conducts sound well! I managed to snap a quick shot of him through the screen door before he noticed me and flew away.

One year down

Sunday was our anniversary, so Matt and I went to 8 o'clock mass and spent the day up in York and Kittery. We explored the beach and some antique shops, did a lot of shopping at the outlets (hello, maternity clothes!) and then came home to eat Chinese food and watch Where the Wild Things Are. Awesome day. So good, I think I'm willing to stick around another year to see what our next anniversary will bring.

York Beach.
The Stonewall Kitchen company store. I love this place, and all of their jams, sauces, seasonings and gadgets. They have cooking classes, and I would love to go to some on Saturdays this summer. I didn't take other pictures since none of the other stores were very picturesque. Aside from Stonewall Kitchen loot, we also bought a few dress shirts for Matt, soxs, pants and tops from Mothercare for me, a bunch of candy from Yummies, serving bowls from Crate and Barrel, and a hand mixer (even thought Matt doesn't understand why I need both a hand mixer and a stand mixer. But he got Splinter Cell as an anniversary gift, so he didn't complain too much).

One last, Matt started the day by playing a podcast for me, which contained this poem. It probably will seem ultra-nerdy to 90% of the people reading this, but given the books, movies, and games which have occupied us this year, it was a perfect love poem.

Scientific Romance
by Tim Pratt

If starship travel from our
Earth to some far
star and back again
at velocities approaching the speed
of light made you younger than me
due to the relativistic effects
of time dilation,
I'd show up on your doorstep hoping
you'd developed a thing for older men,
and I'd ask you to show me everything you
learned to pass the time
out there in the endless void
of night.

If we were the sole survivors
of a zombie apocalypse
and you were bitten and transformed
into a walking corpse
I wouldn't even pick up my
assault shotgun,
I'd just let you take a bite
out of me, because I'd rather be
undead forever
with you
than alive alone
without you.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back
to the days of your youth
to see how you became the someone
I love so much today, and then
I'd return to the moment we first met
just so I could see my own face
when I saw your face
for the first time,
and okay,
I'd probably travel to the time
when we were a young couple
and try to get a three-way
going. I never understood
why more time travelers don't do
that sort of thing.

If the alien invaders come
and hover in stern judgment
over our cities, trying to decide
whether to invite us to the Galactic
Federation of Confederated
Galaxies or if instead
a little genocide is called for,
I think our love could be a powerful
argument for the continued preservation
of humanity in general, or at least,
of you and me
in particular.

If we were captives together
in an alien zoo, I'd try to make
the best of it, cultivate a streak
of xeno-exhibitionism,
waggle my eyebrows, and make jokes
about breeding in captivity.

If I became lost in
the multiverse, exploring
infinite parallel dimensions, my
only criterion for settling
down somewhere would be
whether or not I could find you:
and once I did, I'd stay there even
if it was a world ruled by giant spider-
priests, or one where killer
robots won the Civil War, or even
a world where sandwiches
were never invented, because
you'd make it the best
of all possible worlds anyway,
and plus
we could get rich
off inventing sandwiches.

If the Singularity comes
and we upload our minds into a vast
computer simulation of near-infinite
complexity and perfect resolution,
and become capable of experiencing any
fantasy, exploring worlds bound only
by our enhanced imaginations,
I'd still spend at least 1021 processing
cycles a month just sitting
on a virtual couch with you,
watching virtual TV,
eating virtual fajitas,
holding virtual hands,
and wishing
for the real thing.

Congratulations, Nate and Kathy

Congratulations and best wishes to Kathy and Nate, who were married today at St. Marie. The past few days have been a whirlwind of events: bachelor party on Thursday, rehearsal on Friday, and the wedding itself today. We also had one of the groomsmen and his girlfriend staying with us, our first house guests since we moved into the house.

I sang for the ceremony, and Matt was a groomsman, so neither of us were able to take pictures of the actual ceremony. One of the coolest things for me today was well before the ceremony. For the entrance, the fabulously talented Mary Copely played the organ, and I sang while Danny C played violin. So we were up in the balcony waiting to start playing the pre-ceremony music, and the Cicarrello boys and I had the opportunity to climb up inside the belly of Ste. Marie's enormous pipe organ while Mary played and demonstrated for us the way the different pipes, stops, and shutters worked. The bellows themselves were amazing, two giant squeeze boxes each the size of a double bed. And the pipes are so cool -- I had no idea how many there were, or how they are made out of so many different kinds of metal and wood, and different shapes. The tiniest flute-like ones were the size of drinking straws, and the largest were tubes as wide around as a beach ball. There were square wooden ones, and cone-shaped ones which looked like they were made of aluminum, and Mary showed us that some have reeds in them, just like reeded instruments, to imitate the sound of a clarinet or oboe. Standing in the middle of all these pipes, I was impressed that they really aren't all that loud; it's the design of the church and the position of the organ (so close to the ceiling) which carries the sound through the whole building.

But I was talking about their wedding. The ceremony was of course beautiful, and they both looked so happy up there. The reception was at the Audubon society in Concord, a really beautiful setting. It was just a shame it was so cold and rainy, because we weren't able to enjoy the surrounding park as much as I would have liked. But it was nice to see friends from SMYAM, and be able to chat and enjoy the party. I even got Matt to dance several slow dances with me and even one fast one.

Don't these two look handsome?

Also, I used my anniversary gift to make the wedding card. Matt decided to buy me a Cricut machine, but wasn't sure which one to get, which accessories, etc. So I wound up doing some research and ordering a bundle from HSN which came with several cartridges, inks for printing, and other cool tools. The cricut is a scrapbooking machine, but it can also be used to cut vinyl, stencil material, cloth, and had a ton of applications. Of course my main plan is to use it to make a baby book for jellybean, but I'm also planning on making some wall decorations and possibly use it to make some appliqued curtains for our bedroom.

Escalation of Defenses

I would like to put a garden in next week. I am really looking forward to having fresh vegetables, and gardening is as good as cooking for me when it comes to relaxing. I bought bean seeds and pea seeds, and next weekend I'll buy plants: tomatoes and peppers, zucchini, lettuce and cucumbers. A few herbs, and some marigolds to serve as a nature insect deterrent.

But our yard is still under attack. The squirrels are ridiculous, bending over tulip stems and digging holes in the area which will one day be a lawn. I have tried a pretty nasty spray that my dad got for me which is supposed to deter animals from chewing on the bulbs and shoots of my tulips and crocuses. But like the moth balls, it hasn't seemed to deter them in the slightest. In any event, I can't use the spray or moth balls around food crops, so those options are out. Naturally, I have concerns about planting a garden to just have animals dig up plants, chew on leaves, and generally wreak havok. So this week I paid good money to buy urine.

Yeah. I know. $30 for pee? Well, yeah. See, it's granulated fox urine, and foxes are natural predators of small critters like squirrels, rabbits, mice, and moles. The idea is that you sprinkle the powder around perimeter of the garden, and small animals think that foxes are hanging around there, and they will stay away. I tried sprinkling some around the bulb beds, and we'll see if the dafodils, which are just starting to send up buds, survive to blossom.

One Month Down

Dear Jellybean,

It's been a month since your father and I found out about you. On the day after Easter, I got up and was getting ready for work. I had taken the pregnancy test, but I honestly didn't expect it to be positive, so I was very surprised to see the plus sign when I glanced down at it a few minutes later. I tried to make myself wait a little bit to tell your dad- it was before 6 am and he's definitely not an early riser- but I only was able to hold back about 7 minutes before I went back upstairs and snuggled up next to him again. "Hey," I said, "I just took a pregnancy test."

He was still pretty much asleep, and he didn't open his eyes, but his mouth curved slowly into a smile. "Really?" he asked.

"You wanna know what it said?"

"It better be positive if you're waking me up," he replied.

We stayed in bed for a bit, and then I had to get up to get ready for work. It seemed absolutely impossible to actually got through everything I had to do on a normal Monday morning. I kept going to the couch where Dad was dozing and making random comments about how now I'd have to give up sushi and trying to figure out a due date. But somehow I managed to get myself out the door and went through the normal day in a kind of fugue. In the next few days, we tried to figure out who to tell when, and how. We tried to tell everyone in the family first, before we told our friends, and we mostly succeeded in that.

And now it seems like everyone knows. Only one month that we've known, but you are already such a part of our life that I can't imagine all of the plans we're making if you weren't a part of it. On date nights now, Dad gives me shots of progesterone and even though he has no problem with needles in theory, he has to steel himself before injecting me. He seems impressed with the fact that I handle the injections without too much difficulty, and I guess if he's impressed by that then hopefully I'll blow him away when he sees me in labor. Hopefully we won't have to do the injections until you get here, but it looks like it will have to continue for a while.

Seven months to go. We've figured out names for you and started planning the renovations we'll need to make to the upstairs before you come. When people ask what we're hoping for, I'm surprised to realize that I don't truly have a preference. I used to thing people were being coy when then said that they just want the baby to be healthy, but now I get it. It's not like picking out a paint color for a room or options on a car. I know that that part of you is already decided, and we just need to wait to find out, along with all the other details about you that will make you, you.

And while I will admit there is a part of me that occasionally freaks out and thinks, "Wait, what have we done?" I know that whatever we need to be able to take care of you will be provided if we work and we trust in God. We cannot wait to see your face!