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Babysitting

Mike and Tanya needed a babysitter while they went to adoration so I'm hanging out at their place, reading and making pizza. It's starting to smell really good and my stomach is growling as I write this, but there are 11 minutes until it's ready, so let's see what I can write in that time.

We are starting to get response cards in from the invitations. We asked people to write, draw, or give us advice about our first year of marriage on the backs of the cards, and some of them have been really fantastic. When I am home again I'll scan some in to post here, but I have to admit, I am really loving the drawings we've received so far. The advice has been great as well, and I am really glad we decided to do this, especially because it was kind of a last-minute thing and I almost didn't ask Matt to redesign the RSVP card to add the instructions.

So, it's 75 days from today. 75 days! How is that even possible??? I had thought I was anxious for it before, but I had no idea how much more anxious I would be as the day drew closer. Not anxious in a fearful way, but anxiously awaiting with equal parts hope, anticipation and impatience. I am looking forward to the day itself, looking forward even more to the full week honeymoon with nothing to do but spend time together and laze about, and looking most forward to having our life together when we get back. No more going home at the end of the night, shuffling cars on Sunday afternoons or packing up dinner in Tupperware to bring to him.

The one thing I'm not looking forward to is giving up Sam. I know all of the reasons I need to, but I really do love that cat (despite him being a disobedient pain far too frequently) and I am going to miss his half purr, half mew greeting when I come in the door. Yesterday afternoon Matt and I took a nap, spooned together and snuggling, and the cat found a spot and curled up against my knees. It was so comfortable, to be sleeping there with Matt pressed up against my back and the cat pressed against my legs. I know it might sound stiffling, but for me it was the best. I told Allison that I am maintaining visitation rights after she takes him, and she laughed but agreed.

And there's the timer for the pizza. Dinner!

I Have My Computer Back Again

I am so happy to have my computer back again. Mike fixed it, spiffed it up and made it work a little faster. The only problem seems to be that the keyboard is now a little wonky. Mike had commented that I could get a new keyboard for $20 and I didn't know what he was talking about even though Matt seemed to agree with him. But now that I have it back, I understand. There are certain keys ("K" and "G" right now, but it seems to switch around to keep me on my toes) which you have to hit extra hard to get it to strike. Maybe it was like this before and I had gotten used to it. Now I'm going to have to adjust again.

At any rate, I'm very glad to have it back. Thanks Mike!!!

I'm such a klutz

Last night I was heading out the door to shovel when I fell down the stairs. I was in the middle of texting Matt and my shoes slid on the carpet. As I fell, arms flailing to grab the bannister, a detatched part of me was watching my leg fold up in an unnatural angle beneath me and thinking as I heard a pop similar to the sound of cracking knuckles, "That's probably going to be a problem."

I don't think it's broken, but this morning it's very swollen and I really can't put weight on it for more than a few seconds. Of course, it's my right ankle, which leads to the question of driving. I don't trust that I would be able to slam on the brakes if I needed to, and even just holding down the gas pedal seems challenging to me at the moment. I am going to have to figure out an alternative to get myself to work, or get better very quickly. Either way, it probably should be examined because it's swollen and painful, and I really resent that I have to take the time to do that. My doctor's office doesn't open 'till 9, so we'll see what they recommend when they get in.

This week has been a blur of activity. I had the day off on Monday, so Matt and I went to the jeweler to choose our wedding bands. Unfortunately they were closed for the holiday, so we wound up driving home and looking at stuff online. We like the style of these two:

And we're thinking that we will get them engraved with a verse from Song of Songs inside. One will have "I am my beloved's" and the other will have "and my beloved is mine."

Tuesday we had our fourth Foccus session. One of the questions raised about readiness was the age difference between us. It was hard to talk about it, not because of the issue itself, but because to us it feels like the question has been beaten to death. We both considered it separately before we started dating, and then discussed it together after, and then had to answer the question multiple times to our family and friends. Now when someone asks, my first response is to make a joke or to minimize it, but I still hate it when people tease me with "cradle-robber" or the even more unkind "cougar." Yes, he's significantly younger than me. Yes, I worry because my age will be a factor in how quickly we have children, how many we can have... I worry that I'll be going through menopause while he is still relatively young and virile. I worry about the effect age will have on my body, my energy, my interests.

But this is something so far beyond our control, and the alternative is that we decide that it cannot work because of the age difference. I have never known anyone who understands me so well, who is such a match in interests and demeanor. I have never known anyone who cherishes me, makes me feel as loved, challenges me. And I have never loved anyone more than I have loved this man. If to other people we seem ridiculous because of the 10 years between us, then to me it is equally ridiculous that we could separate because of those 10 years.

We have one session left for Foccus. It really is a good program and I think it's led to a lot of useful discussions, prompting us to take steps like combine bank accounts and make decisions we have been meaning to get to. As I've said before, I have loved every part of the marriage prep stuff, and really been annoyed by the wedding planning stuff. I can't wait until we're done preparing and actually working on our marriage.

Ebay's Targeted Marketing Fail

Well, this tells you how often I use Ebay. I signed in today to see the status of the power jack I've order for my computer, and this was the banner ad:
Yeah, I'm not so much "passionate" about these things... But it did make me chuckle this morning.

Happy Valentine's Day

Yesterday was my first Valentine's Day in a relationship. Well, that's not entirely true. When I was in high school, I was dating a guy who was in the Air Force Academy, and technically we we dating in February. But that year it consisted of a silly card I got in the mail a few days after Valentine's Day, and not much else, so I don't really count it.

We didn't really do anything very special. I came over in the morning and Matt was still asleep, but we seem to have gotten into a pattern on Saturday mornings where we snuggle and talk over our plans for the upcoming week and figure out what we need to get done. After that, I made muffins for breakfast while he showered and then we were off. We went to Lenscrafters and set up an appointment to get contacts for Matt, and we helped his father pick up some cabinets at his uncle's house and bring them to his parent's house. We went grocery shopping and then came home to have dinner with Allison and watch a movie. I have had a cough and took Robitussin, which on top of a glass of wine turned out to be a very bad idea; 20 minutes into the movie I was snoring.

Not really anything special, no flowers or dancing or big to-do, but so much of it was what I expect we'll do when we're married. Run errands, help his family with projects, have dinner with friends, snuggle and joke and say whatever random thing comes into our heads. At one point in the afternoon I made a teasing comment about not getting a gift or card for Valentine's Day which I think panicked Matt for a moment since he hadn't thought I was expecting anything like that. And I wasn't. I think it's important to make a big deal of birthdays and anniversaries, and to just randomly do things like make a mix CD or give flowers for no reason whatsoever (all of which Matt does) but I don't think that we need to buy into the marketing of Valentine's Day and have hurt feelings when our significant other fails to make elaborate plans and buy expensive gifts.

I can imagine a time when we have kids and it will be more important to have specific times set aside to focus on each other and show each other appreciation. That's when it will be important to have a date night the way Fr. Mark advises in every wedding homily I've heard him give. And I can imagine times when we're frustrated with each other and the last thing we want to do is to have a date night, but that's when it will be even more important to do exactly those things we eschewed this year - flowers and dressing up and grand gestures - to break us out of our daily routine and cause us to rediscover each other and find more than what is familiar and expected.

At least, that's what I think. I've never been married, so it may be that I'll re-read this and think how niaive and idealistic I was. I'm okay with that, though; If you're not going into marriage at least planning on being idealistic then maybe marriage isn't the best plan?

Happy Valentine's Day!

The conversation with my dad

I'm writing this on Alli's computer. It's funny, but not having my laptop seems to mean that I am able to get a lot of things done on one hand, but there are other things that it is just too difficult to do. I've opened mail that's been sitting on the counter for a week, called both my sisters and the Lia Sophia sales rep (whom I should have called last week) and actually slept in this morning. But I also have a whole guest list living in the hard drive of my computer that I can't get to and of course I had been meaning to plug into the external drive to back everything up but never got around to it...

But I wanted to talk about how things went with my father on Sunday. Matt and I sat down with him and I talked about how his drinking has upset and frustrated me. I told him that it was really upsetting that with everything else going on in my family, that he's chosen to drink instead of being there to support my mom and my sister. And I told him that if he continues to choose to drink, he will not be walking me down the aisle. I think my mom had warned him about this ahead of time, because he didn't flinch when I said it, and he said that he could understand why I was telling him this. I tried to emphasize that it wasn't that I don't want him walking me down the aisle, but it was that I don't want him the way he is when he drinks. I also said that I am worried that he will stay sober, holding out until then and then fall again once the wedding is over. He promised me that that will not happen.

I don't know what to expect. I think he was genuinely sincere, and I think he meant every word he said when he said that he will never drink again. I just don't know how firm that commitment will remain as the days go by and he has to continue to make that choice. I pray that he will choose sobriety and being there for me and my mom and my family. But I also know how much he struggles with seeing that it's a choice between those things and drinking, and the clarity he has now will fade as time goes by. All I can do is pray and keep praying, and trust that God will do what is needed to draw him close and give him healing and grace to get through this.

In the meantime, I am grateful for this time of sobriety, to have my Dad and not the man whom I've come to think of as "the drinker." I know that part of what I can do to support him is to take advantage of his presence and spend more time with my Dad. And that is actually going to be a good thing. I like my Dad. Spending time with him isn't all that bad.

And we'll just have to see where this goes.

Update on the computer

Yep, definitely broken. Mike took my laptop apart last night and it looks like when Sam knocked it over, the power supply input snapped completely off, so it is exactly what he did to Alli's computer. We were able to locate the part for $11 on Ebay, so it's ordered and Mike's going to try soldering it in once it arrives.

Stupid cat.

Oops, you broke it...

Something is wrong with my computer. Rumor has it that a certain feline knocked it over and now the power cord isn't connecting to anything when I plug it in (Isn't that what he did Alli's computer? What does Sam have against laptops???). I'll probably have a little difficulty posting until I get it fixed. Cross your fingers and hope it's not too disastrous.

Cordially invited...

Last night we put together the invitations. It was a lot of work, and we are very grateful that we had friends and family who helped. Between Kim and Aaron tying ribbon and giving the correct names and addresses for Vigneaus, to Art and Nicole threading ribbon in my crazy pattern to make the bow show in the front and the ribbon wrap around the whole thing and Amy writing out the addresses for all of the invitations I had addreses for, the work got done, eased with good conversation, jokes, and laughter. I am sitting here this morning with a pile of envelopes neatly addressed, sealed, ready to be stamped and delivered. Holy cow!

For internet safety I've blurred out location information. It doesn't actually have those blurry lines on it.

In addition to the actual assembly of the invitations, I am also very grateful to Therese and Connie for allowing us to do this at their house and providing food for the people who came. I cannot imagine how much work it would have been if we had tried to do this on our own, but with the people and the food, it became a party! I know that the memory of all of us working together will be a good one when we look back on everything we did to get ready for the wedding.

Today we're going to Salem to see my Dad. I had told him last week that I wanted to talk to him about him drinking again, and he called and asked if we could do it today so that it's done before he starts his outpatient treatment. I haven't quite figured out what to say or how to say it yet. Matt and I are going to say a rosary before heading down and hopefully I will be open to the Spirit's guidance on this. I know that I don't understand and probably will never really understand his addiction. I don't get how he can be sober for months and months and then decide to drink again and undo all of the hard work he's done. I am praying for some understanding and wisdom in this situation, and for healing in my family.

I am worried about him drinking in the days up until the wedding, and I'm also worried about him staying sober and holding it togther and then falling apart once the wedding's over. I also know that I have no power in keeping him from drinking or in making him drink, so the best I can do is pray, tell him how it affects me when he drinks, and love him even when he chooses to drink. Sometimes that feels so inadequate, but sometimes I am able to give this over to God and trust that He will guide my family safely through this time. If you think of it, please pray for my family this week.

Oh, and 90 days left of being a Rivet. When Matt first made up the return addresses for the RSVP envelopes, he made them as "Mary Kate and Matthew Vigneau." When I made him change them to "Mary Kate Rivet", he replied "You really are just hanging on to that name, aren't you?"

Pfft. Hardly.

Double Digits

That's right. We're down to double digits. It seems like just last week, it was 200+ days away, and suddenly we have a little more than 3 months until the big day.

We met with the Mullens for Foccus again. This week the topic was communication and this seems to be an area which Matt and I do very well in. We had to go through an active listening exercise which seemed very forced and structured. I do recognize the value in restating what you've heard in order to clarify and check for understanding, but it seemed like the "rules" were too constricting. I can't imagine us having an actual fight and stopping to restate what the other person said and asking if I have it right. I think that between email, texting and actual face time, Matt and I do a good job communicating with each other, and we do have a good decision making process.

It's been a stressful week, though, and it seems like when he gets home at the end of the day, all I want to do is curl up in his arms and just rest in that safety. There's no way to warm up to this, so I'll just come out and say it: my father's an alcoholic, and this weekend it came out that he's been drinking again, and has been for some time. He's just gotten slightly better at hiding it. So this week there's been many difficult conversations with my mom, with him, questions about what kind of treatment he will have, processing what has happened... At the end of the day, to be able to be wrapped up, held and know that I am safe with Matt has been such a blessing. It's hard for me to talk about this right now, because there really is so little I can do to resolve this mess. I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "Screw it. You all let me know when you've fixed things." Not exactly fair, mature, or right, I know. Still it's what I want to do.

But things keep going, plans still need to be made. The invitations are being put together this weekend and will go into the mail the week after that. We have opened a joint checking account together and all of my automatic payments and direct deposits need to be moved over. Final decisions about hundreds of different details need to be made. All these things will distract me from worrying about my dad, make the time pass more quickly until May 9th and hopefully help us get started in this marriage as well-prepared as possible.

And I'm sure that this summer I'll be writing about our 3 month anniversary, wondering where the time has gone.

Captivating 2: the crown of creation

Yet again typing with a cat in my lap. Sam is awfully snuggly in the mornings! The soy "ice cream" turned out okay. It didn't really freeze in the ice cream maker, but we put it in the freezer and it turned out to be kind of italian ice in consistency. With oreos. And it was extra sweet because I didn't realize we started with vanilla soy, not regular soy, and we put sugar in it like it was regular soy. It didn't keep people from eating it, though.

So, chapter 2 of Captivating. The chapter discusses the creation of Eve, and how we can know some of what God is like by what qualities a woman has. First and foremost, Eve was created last. John and Stasi make this point because all of the creation story goes from big and simple to small and intricate. Therefore, when God creates Eve and then rests, he is creating the most beautiful, the "crown" of his creation. More that anything, God created women to show how beautiful he is. Eve was created to be a queen in the garden, to show and bring beauty to the world.

There are times when Matt will say something about me being his "queen," and I wasn't comfortable with it at first. I've never thought of myself as a queen, and at first it seemed almost ridiculous in the literal sense - arousing or deserving ridicule, laughable. But I am beginning to understand that he means it, means it exactly, and without a smidge of irony at all. On Sunday afternoon we made chicken tenders to bring to his parents' house for his birthday party. When we finished, we had about an hour before we needed to leave. He was tired but I wasn't. So I sat on the couch and read while he slept with his head in my lap. After about 45 minutes, I noticed his breathing had changed and looked down to find him awake and looking up at me. Half asleep, he smiled and murmured "Thank you." I gave a little laugh. "For what?" I asked. "You are so beautiful," he replied. "Just, thank you." For him, there is no need for me to be doing all the time. For him, it is enough -no, it is important- for there to be times when I am not doing anything, when I am just there for him to take in my beauty, and that makes me queenly to him.

And though I may wince to say all of this, afraid that when people read it that they will think I am sooooo vain to be writing about my beauty, I still know that it's true. And I know that I'm not talking about magazine cover beauty, but the beauty of God that I was created to reveal to those around me.

The other part of this chapter which struck me is that women were created with a desire to be pursued. This is not part of the fall. Our desire to be pursued is part of how God made us in His image, to show how God desires us to pursue him with our whole heart. I had thought that this came from our insecurity, that it was a neediness, grasping and unlovely, and ought to be overcome. But when it is under grace, a woman's desire to be pursued wholeheartedly is not from her desolation or desire to contol (more of that in the next chapter), but it is a desire to be in a faithful relationship, to be loved ardently, eternally.

This is what God desires of us as well, to be faithful to Him. "Thou shalt love the Lord your God with your whole heart, your whole mind, and you whole soul." These are the words the Jewish people were commanded to bind upon their doors, which are in those little prayer boxes that orthodox Jews wear upon their brows and their wrists. It is fundamental to our relationship with God. It's not God being needy or grasping. It is His desire to be the focus of our lives, and woman's desire to be pursued reveals that aspect of Him to the world.

Phew! What a relief to finally learn that!