The conversation with my dad

I'm writing this on Alli's computer. It's funny, but not having my laptop seems to mean that I am able to get a lot of things done on one hand, but there are other things that it is just too difficult to do. I've opened mail that's been sitting on the counter for a week, called both my sisters and the Lia Sophia sales rep (whom I should have called last week) and actually slept in this morning. But I also have a whole guest list living in the hard drive of my computer that I can't get to and of course I had been meaning to plug into the external drive to back everything up but never got around to it...

But I wanted to talk about how things went with my father on Sunday. Matt and I sat down with him and I talked about how his drinking has upset and frustrated me. I told him that it was really upsetting that with everything else going on in my family, that he's chosen to drink instead of being there to support my mom and my sister. And I told him that if he continues to choose to drink, he will not be walking me down the aisle. I think my mom had warned him about this ahead of time, because he didn't flinch when I said it, and he said that he could understand why I was telling him this. I tried to emphasize that it wasn't that I don't want him walking me down the aisle, but it was that I don't want him the way he is when he drinks. I also said that I am worried that he will stay sober, holding out until then and then fall again once the wedding is over. He promised me that that will not happen.

I don't know what to expect. I think he was genuinely sincere, and I think he meant every word he said when he said that he will never drink again. I just don't know how firm that commitment will remain as the days go by and he has to continue to make that choice. I pray that he will choose sobriety and being there for me and my mom and my family. But I also know how much he struggles with seeing that it's a choice between those things and drinking, and the clarity he has now will fade as time goes by. All I can do is pray and keep praying, and trust that God will do what is needed to draw him close and give him healing and grace to get through this.

In the meantime, I am grateful for this time of sobriety, to have my Dad and not the man whom I've come to think of as "the drinker." I know that part of what I can do to support him is to take advantage of his presence and spend more time with my Dad. And that is actually going to be a good thing. I like my Dad. Spending time with him isn't all that bad.

And we'll just have to see where this goes.