Our couple is the Mullens (Having them as our couple is interesting because they are the parents of some of our friends) and they were really great last night. Aside from going over some of our answers they also had us do some brain-storming exercises where we wrote out the way we see the role of the husband and wife, and what we see as our own and each other's strengths. It was both weird and interesting to write out and share that I do see my role as the wife in part as the household manager and primary care-giver for the children, and that Matt will be the primary bread-winner and spiritual head of the household. I am positive I heard a part of myself yelling at me "Oh great, you drank the freakin' Kool Aid. Now we're screwed."
I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. I look at my mom, and the amazing things she has done in her career, and I am really proud of her for those things. I also am very proud of myself for the accomplishments I've had - getting licensed and being successful as a broker, growing as a singer and leader in the music ministry. But I also just want to be able to have the luxury of time to spend with my children when they are small, to teach them well and develop good habits in them, to really get to know them and understand their personalities. I want to be able to have time to get household chores done during the day instead of getting them done in the evenings when I get home from work or cramming everything into the weekend. And I don't want to apologize for it, even to myself.
That's one of the things that was affirmed for me straight off in Captivating. The first chapter is about the heart of a woman, how God made us feminine creatures and what that means, who that makes us. It also talks about how both religion and feminism have gotten womenhood wrong. It's not about being as good (or better) than a man, and it's not about being weak and stupid and defining yourself only as a wife and mother, even if being a woman means being those things at various times.
I know that I felt so much of what Staci wrote resonated so deeply with me the first time, and I was glad to see that it still does now. When I was reading about how every woman wants to be pursued and every woman has a beauty to unveil, I immediately thought of how Matt first told me he loved me. We had been volunteering for a conference and had an awful day, both of us frustrated with each other, at one point snapping at each as we discussed our plans for after the conference. We were sitting in my car at the end of the night and after a long conversation, he burst out with the words, "You are my best friend in the entire world, the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and I love you so much. I cannot imagine a day in my life without you."
I had always longed to be told I was that beautiful. When I was a child and played pretend, I would imagine I was a princess, and picture my prince telling me I was the most beautiful woman he's ever know. As I grew older, I began to believe that that was too much to hope for. There are so many amazingly beautiful women in this world, not just in Hollywood and on TV but even simply in our church. No man would be able to honestly tell me I was the MOST beautiful. I could hope that he would say I was beautiful, but certainly not the most.
But Matt defied all of that. In one moment, he met that desire in my heart, to be "the beauty" in my own story. Every voice in my head which had been telling me that I would never be good enough, desirable enough, suddenly had to sit down and shut up because he had proved them all liars. Any wonder why I fell for him?
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