Why isn't this MattandMK.blogspot.com?

When Allison got home the other night, I told her I had started a blog. She seemed confused at first about the name and what I am going to be posting about. So I guess I should explain what’s been percolating in my mind and nudging me to start posting.

I’m 35. I left home for college in Texas when I was 17, and I have moved back home at times because of various situations, but on the outside most people would say that I'm very independent. The thing is, though, that in my mind I wasn't that way. In my mind, I was useless if I wasn't married.

In my early 20’s, I had thought that I would definitely meet Mr. Right any day soon. That was pretty much my whole plan in life: we would meet, get married, have children, and own a house. In any daydreams about this, my ideas about what I might do for work or in my day to day life was fluid. Kind of like day-to-night Barbie. When I imagined the future, I could see myself in any number of careers but instead of this making me confident, modern and independent, it only made my view of myself even more fuzzy and inconstant. No matter what, in the end it always came down to being with "the guy." I made decisions or held off making decisions because I didn’t want to have obligations or ties to things that might prove inconvenient when I got married. And so I waited… And waited…

And he still didn’t show up.

So I hit 29. And he still hadn’t shown up. Right around when I hit 30, I began to change my way of thinking mainly out of fear. If I was alone for the rest of my life, then how would I live? How would I keep a roof over my head and the bill collectors off the phone? What would I do every night when I got home from work? I changed careers to one which would support me financially on my own. I was always active in ministries at church, but I now viewed them differently, not as a way to meet "him" but as a way to meet Him. My prayer life became something that was not just a "hi" and "bye" and "do me a favor." Now I started the day every day in prayer. I realized that I used to have lots of male friends and I didn't any more, and I missed that brotherly companionship. I began to develop friendships with men in my life who were good Christian men, and I had no agenda or ulterior motive to find "the one."

I began to think that I would never get married. That maybe I had misunderstood where I had thought that God was guiding me before. In the vacuum that left, when there was nothing at the end of the day but me and God, I could not not see who I thought I was, but I saw who He said I was instead. And the horror, the absolute terror of being alone even when I was an old woman, it blew away like vapor and I was filled with hope and anticipation. I said to myself "If God wants me to be alone, it must be because He plans on me doing something He thinks is pretty important." And that wasn't just a consolation prize, it was consolation.

Then last year, everything changed again. I know I wasn't mistaken. God is calling me to His plan. This isn't something that makes me special or holier-than-thou. We all are each called to his special purpose and plan, and there is no one else who can do what He is calling each of us to do. But now I have to figure out the mechanics of how all that fits into fitting my life around someone else, and fitting his life around mine. That means changing how I view big things like my career path, and I anticipated that, but it also also means considering little things like dinner plans in the light of how they impact both of us. There have been a few stumbles along the way, times when I have thought "I didn't know we had to discuss that."

So, that's hopefully what I'll talk about more. There will be a lot of stuff about God. Even though I didn't really plan on talking about my faith and my relationship with Christ directly, even in just writing this I find that I cannot honestly leave that out, so there will hopefully be a lot of God in here along the way. I'll also try to lighten it up at times with pictures of pets or small children, and I am sure that you'll hear lots about the wedding plans, too.

Hope that sounds good to you.